Apology for a past life

Before I continue with my day, diving into the typical charts and graphs and dry meetings, I would like to get a nagging feeling off my chest.

Reincarnation was an interesting concept at best for me. And I paid it the same amount of heed, I would to teleportation. While I would cautiously describe myself as a spiritual person, I am generally agnostic.


I was a powerful lord. One that was sadistic and ruthless. I had a list of sins that the devil would envy and God would be horrified at. Maybe I was Atilla the Hun or Genghis Khan. Although, neither of those explain my other traumas. I know now that this life is the one where I am forced to repent and serve my sentence.

What may have warranted this cycle of misery? I often asked myself this question. It felt a tad overdone for petty crimes. A very graphic answer awaited in my dream, nay nightmare.


Most times, the general populace wouldn't feel or understand the true purity of love. We all like the abstract notions in art and poetry but our minds and hearts seldom deep dive and live it. The biggest sin of all, as I have now understood, is not murder; it is in an untimely and cruel separation of lovers. The person left alive bleeds tears and their cries can shake the heavens. There is untold power in their abyss. One you do not want them to tap into.

This is my crime, and this life is my damnation.

You see, heartbreaks are a part of life, much like bruises on the knees. But to an artist, it cuts deeper, because they understand. They understand all parts of the story. They understand the choices, and can foresee the regrets. Their fingers are doomed to live and relive the agony every time they create something.

It is not the worst to eternally live in despair. Because you can get used to a certain kind of life. Hope is the most merciless punishment.

To see and to want but not to have.

I don't know what else I can do differently in this life except atone and remedy my ways. Seeing as I had evoked curses from the depths of someone's soul, not knowing if the person lives or is dead, I want to send out this cosmic apology to whomever it suits:

I was a misguided fool, maybe even my actions were deliberate. I make no attempt to justify them, only to lay bare the fact, that I am shamefully aware of it. I am aware of the hurt I caused you, of the pain and destruction I had knowingly brought upon you and your loved ones. There is no power within me that can change the past. And this will forever sting us both. I am deeply sorry.

I can only hope and pray that you have since found peace and happiness. I hope now you have the forever after you desired. I hope it is everything you wanted. I hope this apology brings some respite to soothe your soul.

I don't know how it would make you feel to know that I have suffered, much like you had, many times over. Some days I feel I could peel off my skin and not notice a thing. Neither would someone else. I have been tormented. I will allow you to decide if it is enough.

Revenge will eat away a part of you too if you're not too careful. It is a vicious thing to partake in. I know from experience. I hope you can benefit from this wisdom.

I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.

Yours truly.

-K

Comments

Swati said…
It dives so deep into the very veins. I could just feel every pulse.

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